Change

Change

Change (verb)
make or become different

Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, has been quoted as saying “change is the only constant in life.”

Humans are creatures of habit. Most of us like the status quo, not rocking the boat, and the “idea” of a linear path. In reality, most of us experience the chaos and utter mess that life is, but in that chaos we can often find beauty.

chaos

The last couple of weeks has started a process of yet another change in my life. Not sure if it’s the whole with age comes wisdom thing, since the older I get the more I realize I don’t actually know. Or if the noises in my head have gotten quieter over the years. Or if being diagnosed with the MS 10 years ago, and what I’ve been through since has shown me I can get through nearly anything, but I’m good.

But now that I’m over the hump of “holy fuck,” which genuinely always happens. Like when I made the decision to move to D.C. years ago and had to postpone it by two months because I was having daily panic attacks. But once I make a decision it’s onward and and upward. So now, I am rather looking forward to the change.

When I started this blog several years ago, I used to jot down lists of words / topics to write about thinking that’s the way it “had” to be done, but now they just come to me, and I don’t actually write them until they are literally bursting out and I MUST get it down.

This evening after seeing Marriage Story (Noah Baumbach in all his glory), one of my favorite Lynyrd Skynyrd songs came on, you know, the one that everyone screams at OTHER concerts “ironically.” > Freebird > In it they sing about change and being free as a bird, although about changing relationships, and likely a love partner, being “free as a bird,” can be about any change in life.

“This bird you cannot change…I must be traveling on now…cause there’s too many places I’ve got to see.”

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Three

Three

Three (noun)
the third in a set or series

Three years ago I woke up overnight having a really bad flare-up. And what I’d learned by that point is that IV steroids are really just like throwing lighter fluid on a flame, more harm that good. Plus I’d never been able to tolerate the oral taper. It was also during that flare-up that I had a through the looking glass experience, and just kept following the March Hare down, down, down. Fortunately I have a great doctor that helped me through it. Combine that with the not being able to treat the flare-up hard, life was like crawling through quick quicksand for three long months.

Fast forward, three years, and I am flare-up free. Not only that, but the symptoms I do have are usually mild as long as I avoid heat and humidity, as if that’s possible four months a year in NYC.

I can’t help but wonder what the algorithm is to keep from having the flare-ups. What’s changed in that time is starting a business, working from home, friends, family, Pilates, boxing, THC/CBD, and treating depression. I’m so happy to have me back, so I guess it’s a good idea to keep doing all of the above. This has been another great year, and looking forward to the future more than ever.

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Year

Year

 

Year (noun)
the period of about 3651/4 solar days required for one revolution of the earth around the sun

Whenever I think about the length of a calendar year, I can’t help but think of Rent. I remember seeing the Broadway production and thinking anything was possible. I used to think that about NYE, and inevitably would be let down by the seemingly over the top expectations on what the shift from one year to the next should bring. After all, Tuesday still comes after Monday.

Now I think of a year as any 365 days, wherein any morning you wake up can be the start of something new, it doesn’t need to wait until January 1. And I might argue that it’s probably easier to sneak new things under the radar any old day of the week.

I’m learning how not to dwell in the past and find myself getting annoyed with those “best” and “worst” lists or even more horrid, New Year’s resolutions. Every 365 days will have all of these things because life can be wonderful and messy all at the same time, but I guess that’s what keeps it interesting.

2018 was wonderful for me personally, professionally, and health-wise. I’m moving out of another year without having an MS flare-up because I just don’t have time for it. And while I’m shatteringly exhausted from politics and bad, self-serving people, I still believe that as a nation those are the sum of our parts and not the whole, and we will persevere.

Happy, healthy, prosperous to all and thanks for reading.

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Thankful

Thankful

Thankful (adjective)
expressing gratitude and relief

A – autumn chill
B – body that carries me day to day
C – city life
D – dancing
E – exercise
F – family & friends
G – giving
H – happy
I – ice
J – jam
K – kindness
L – love
M – music
N – naps
O – options
P – pizza
Q – quiet
R – red
S – sea
T – tough
U – unusual
V – visual
W – winter
X – no more xenophobia
Y – yippee
Z – zany

Thankful to those who continue to come on this journey with me.

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Enough

Enough

Enough (noun)
occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations

This week was a marathon in not feeling like enough. I’m trying to figure out at what point in life do we a) know we are enough or b) it just doesn’t matter anymore?

I wish I could feel like either on any given day, but then I wonder if it’s tied to always wanting to do my best whether professionally or personally. And to this day it feels like so many others I know are more than enough.

Most days it is relatively easy to look beyond the mess and imperfections, but in the blink of a moment, something can cross your path in the course of a day, and a 180 happens, and it’s more than enough to feel like enough.

One of the things I often remind myself, that even in the throes of the worst MS flare-ups I’ve had, I have been more than enough, and more than most who don’t have my respective burden. But sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

So when exactly are we enough?

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Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude (noun)
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness

Tonite was a typical summer evening in NYC, aka hot & sticky. I had planned to attend a great concert, but wasn’t sure my body would hold up to being outside in the humidity, and while it’s not pleasant, I haven’t been giving my body enough credit lately. To set the stage for just how humid it’s been? I have pretty much straight hair and even I’m sporting a top knot these days because my hair is going “poof” the minute I’m outside. So, yes, it’s HUMID. So done with summer!

IMG_1180

I pushed myself to go and was so glad I did. For most of the show the humidity went away a bit and I got to enjoy it. And then when it did come back again, by that point my body was acclimated and I was able to get up and dance for the remainder of the time.

Looking around at the crowd and the NYC skyline and the audience enjoying the music, a wave of gratitude came over me. I’m grateful to have wonderful family and friends in my life. People who both cheer me on and tell it like it is.

I’m grateful that I feel healthier than I have since the diagnosis nine years ago (and 10 this month since symptom onset). I’m grateful to have access to medicine, fitness, and doctors that are part of keeping me healthy (I wish everyone did, but a topic for another time). I’m grateful that I have a body that I’m feeling a little less like its betrayed me or I’ve betrayed it.

I’m grateful to live in a city that cares about protecting everyone, warts and all. And I’m grateful to be in a position to give back to my community and organizations that need it, especially in the current political climate (literally).

Keep on keeping’ on…

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Happy

Happy

Happy (adjective)
feeling or showing pleasure or contentment

These days I am finding myself happy (and healthy) and sometimes it’s hard to say that out loud for fear the other shoe will drop.

In December 2016 I started taking sertraline for depression. It was the first time I had a really bad, spiraling night, that wasn’t related to the multiple sclerosis (but maybe it is because it’s a central nervous system disease), or being treated for a flare-up. I recognized that I needed help. I reached out to a long distance friend who helped me for as long as I needed it. I went to bed and the next day I went to see my neurologist. And when it came to treating this issue, I couldn’t care less about any stigma that society has about brain health. I didn’t think twice about treating the multiple sclerosis or taking medicine for asthma growing up. My only issue was worrying about side effects. And although I didn’t turn purple, boy did I spend weeks insanely nauseous while titrating up to the full dose.

Fast forward 1.5 years later, and about a month ago I realized the sertraline (and probably age) is likely slowing down my metabolism, which already works backwards, so I decided to split the dose in half. I did this on my own without consulting my neurologist, because I know my body. I also now know how I should feel most of the time (say 80/20 rule). And I can recognize the shit for what it is, and frankly most of the time I just don’t care about stupid stuff anymore. I think the 20%, as Gaga would say, Baby I was Born This Way. And you know what? I’m good with that.

So a bit of a long about route to say most days I wake up happy. I enjoy what I do professionally (and the people I work with) and am having wonderful life experiences (on my own and with loved ones). I feel better than I have since before I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis nine years ago. I’ve been so leery about saying the latter out loud, especially with my once every 18 to 24 month MRIs coming up next month. Feeling physically and mentally great also allows me to be the best I can be for the people I love and care for as well.

I spend way less time these days wondering when the shoes are going to come tumbling and I happily give the middle finger to the shit that just doesn’t matter.

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