Strong

Strong

Strong (adjective)
having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks
possessing skills and qualities that create a likelihood of success

When I looked up the definition for strong, there were at least seven different variations. When people think of strong they most often think of how much or how little you can lift or “what doesn’t kill you, makes you strong” (I should look like the Incredible Hulk by now – the Mark Ruffalo version). Or “I could never be as strong as you are dealing with MS.” Or “strong is what you are when you don’t have any other choice.” While people think those are compliments, I’m no stronger than anyone else who deals with a chronic (sometimes acute) disease.

For the last week, I was up and down with my, this time of year ick. And for sure I didn’t feel strong. I was full on, 100% pity party, having to remind myself regularly that this is way better than having to deal with a flare-up for three months. BUT when you’re in the throes of non-stop coughing, can’t sleep, can’t get comfortable, can’t get yourself out, can’t clean your apartment, and can’t attend events, and being a day away from dreadlocks because you can’t shower, finding the “can” is not easy.

And while (fingers & toes crossed), I’m not having a flare-up, my immune system working overtime to fight this ick, lends itself to inflammation, which for me is constant tingling. And having to take nighttime cold meds to squash the coughing, means that I’m foggy for most of the next day, and it gives me really weird, fucking dreams, bordering on nightmares. Those with MS know that it takes us longer to recover even from the average cold. While I’m not thoroughly fatigued, I’m still super wiped out, and the nighttime cold medicine doesn’t help the cause.

This last week I also had to forgo my regular exercise routine, which is the first time in many months, and while most say don’t beat yourself up, it’s ok to be kind to yourself when you’re sick, for me even taking a week off can be detrimental to my physical and mental well-being. But tomorrow, bright and early, I will don the work out clothes and drag myself to pilates, which I truly love.

Strong can mean many things, and we each have our own version(s) of strength. You don’t have to lift heavy weights to be strong. But know that whatever your version is, you are indeed strong, powerful, and capable.

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PS – If you don’t know Ady Barkan, please follow him. He is literally using his last breath to fight for what should be a right, rather than a privilege. To me he is both strong & a hero.

Enough

Enough

Enough (noun)
occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations

This week was a marathon in not feeling like enough. I’m trying to figure out at what point in life do we a) know we are enough or b) it just doesn’t matter anymore?

I wish I could feel like either on any given day, but then I wonder if it’s tied to always wanting to do my best whether professionally or personally. And to this day it feels like so many others I know are more than enough.

Most days it is relatively easy to look beyond the mess and imperfections, but in the blink of a moment, something can cross your path in the course of a day, and a 180 happens, and it’s more than enough to feel like enough.

One of the things I often remind myself, that even in the throes of the worst MS flare-ups I’ve had, I have been more than enough, and more than most who don’t have my respective burden. But sometimes, even that isn’t enough.

So when exactly are we enough?

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