Gratitude

Gratitude

Gratitude (noun)
the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness

Tonite was a typical summer evening in NYC, aka hot & sticky. I had planned to attend a great concert, but wasn’t sure my body would hold up to being outside in the humidity, and while it’s not pleasant, I haven’t been giving my body enough credit lately. To set the stage for just how humid it’s been? I have pretty much straight hair and even I’m sporting a top knot these days because my hair is going “poof” the minute I’m outside. So, yes, it’s HUMID. So done with summer!

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I pushed myself to go and was so glad I did. For most of the show the humidity went away a bit and I got to enjoy it. And then when it did come back again, by that point my body was acclimated and I was able to get up and dance for the remainder of the time.

Looking around at the crowd and the NYC skyline and the audience enjoying the music, a wave of gratitude came over me. I’m grateful to have wonderful family and friends in my life. People who both cheer me on and tell it like it is.

I’m grateful that I feel healthier than I have since the diagnosis nine years ago (and 10 this month since symptom onset). I’m grateful to have access to medicine, fitness, and doctors that are part of keeping me healthy (I wish everyone did, but a topic for another time). I’m grateful that I have a body that I’m feeling a little less like its betrayed me or I’ve betrayed it.

I’m grateful to live in a city that cares about protecting everyone, warts and all. And I’m grateful to be in a position to give back to my community and organizations that need it, especially in the current political climate (literally).

Keep on keeping’ on…

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Year

Year

Year (noun)
the period of about 3651/4 solar days required for one revolution of the earth around the sun

The greatest teacher failure is – Yoda

365 messy opportunities
365 days of uncertainty
365 days of wonder

What will you do with your next 365 days? When people ask me what it’s like to live with multiple sclerosis the first thing that comes to mind is add more uncertainty into a life that is already uncertain. Sometimes it’s mundane, sometimes it fucking sucks, and sometimes opportunities arise that wouldn’t otherwise.

At the beginning of this year it definitely fucking sucked, but 364 uncertain days later, well, it’s not just ok, but it’s pretty amazing. It’s easy to focus on the diddints, as in I didn’t win the lottery, I didn’t lose those 10 or 50lbs, or I didn’t master the art of baking, BUT…

I DID start my own business, I DID travel overseas to see good friends and to new places, I DID spend time with people I love, I DID start this blog and accompanying social media, I DID start a great fitness routine (more after the New Year!), I DID create new memories, and I DO look forward to the next 365 adventurous days to come.

I wish you good health, happiness, prosperity, and loads of DIDs for the New Year.

PS – And I DIDN’T have a flare-up this year. I was just too busy DOING the above DIDs. And that’s a good DIDN’T.

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Trust

Trust

Trust (noun)
firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something

As an American there is a lot not to trust right now. Trust in (most) of our government to have our best interests at heart is thoroughly in the toilet. It certainly has brought us together in a way I haven’t seen in decades, but it’s still a scary time trying to figure out who to trust.

Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis I felt as though my body had betrayed me. I didn’t know my body anymore. I didn’t trust my body.

When you receive life altering information like this it turns your world upside down. Some say you can control it, or let it control you. I would argue that it’s not so simple.

Your body feels different every day. It’s hard to trust that it’s going to to be there for you on a daily basis, to support your physical and emotional needs. And you quickly learn that sometimes it doesn’t, which is extremely frustrating.

Trust in yourself is a different kind of trust, as opposed to putting your trust in others. It’s intrinsic, a gut feeling, and that was gone. In place of fear and uncertainty. We’re trained to deal with the uncertainty of life, or we couldn’t walk out of our front door each day. But this kind of news makes the uncertainty more uncertain.

I’m pretty out there, so when I was telling others about my diagnosis I didn’t worry so much about trusting the outcome. Though I often had it make it ok for others after I told them. You could see the change on their faces as the words came out of my mouth. I had to help THEM trust that I would be ok, especially the ones who knew nothing about multiple sclerosis.

There isn’t a day I wake up that I can forget that I have multiple sclerosis. For a split second, I wake up symptom free, think about the day ahead (usually hit the snooze button), and then remember. Remember that I have a neurological disease.

It’s taken me a very long time for that trust in my body. That it will do what I need, when I need it. In the last few years I’ve learned that it will be more than not. And part of learning to trust it again, is making to work it stronger. The stronger I get, the more I can trust it. And the more I don’t wake up each day thinking will this be the day another relapse happens. And I’m trusting that even if it does, that I can come out ok on the other side.

Body

body-shape

Body (noun)
the physical structure of a person or an animal, including the bones, flesh, and organs

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a like/hate relationship with my body. Growing up society norms were dictated by magazines, TV, movies, stores, and peers. And with the advent of the Internet we now have a narcissistic streaming medium in our faces 24/7. When you Google “I hate my body” you come up with 78,400,000 hits in under one minute. Seventy-eight MILLION, four hundred thousand!

In the last few years the body positive movement has taken off. I believe in feeling comfortable in your skin, but overall health is important too. The one that has resonated with me is the Body Image Movement. Taryn Brumfitt is an Australian lady who after competing as a body builder, and working out for months and months, many hours each day, said enough. She set out around the globe with a shoe-string budget to interview women of all looks. Her documentary Embrace is truly a global movement. Every woman, man, teen, child, should watch this movie, it’s that important.

It took me a while to watch the documentary, but one day while on the treadmill, I gave it a go. As the speed and incline increased, so too did the silent tears streaming down my face. As Taryn’s and countless other women’s stories unfolded, I saw some of each of them in me. Her movie is available on Netflix, Amazon, iTunes, amongst others.

When asked if they like their body, 80% of women will answer with a resounding no. And on top of that girls as young as four think they are fat and are already comparing themselves to unrealistic, unattainable, bodies.

Three years ago I started working out with my trainer, now sorta, kinda older brother I never really wanted. When we met I told him if he was going to tell me I couldn’t have chocolate anymore, he could turn around and walk out because I would NEVER be that person. In the nine months that followed I lost 18lbs.

My goal was to build strength and a side effect of that was weight loss. I felt great and looked good. I didn’t really change my diet as much as my sugar cravings went away to be replaced by healthier options. And then I had a bad flare-up resulting in IV steroids and other meds for side effect management. It took a good six months to feel better, and although I exercised on and off I didn’t truly get my groove back until much later. It gets more and more difficult to emotionally bounce back from flare-ups each time.

Fast forward to February of this year and I was on vacation and told my body, “it’s time to get going again.” I’ve been working out almost every day since. And whether it’s being a few years older or the Zoloft I started taking in December, the weight isn’t coming off the way it did a few years ago. I’m not eating anymore than before, but I think the Zoloft might have halted my metabolism, although it’s afforded me the ability to work out in the first place, amongst many other things that I have accomplished this year.

I’m not just casually strolling on the treadmill. I’m doing full on drenching sweat equity exercising between cardio and free weights. And I’m also well into boxing and I LOVE it! I LOVE boxing! Sparring with gloves and mitts is one of the best workouts I’ve ever had. It combines cardio and strength training and I get to hit things without getting hit back, yet!

While losing weight is a goal, I am learning to be kind to myself. Recognizing that my body has held up to surgeries, procedures, full out blissful dancing at concerts, skiing, car accidents, and two autoimmune diseases, and it still keeps going. That demands a modicum of respect for my body. Today I am strong, confident, and happy.

Dove body image campaign 2004