Tag: body

Body

Body (noun)
the main part of a plant or animal body especially as distinguished from limbs and head

I haven’t written since November 2021, mainly because I just haven’t felt creative. Between the pandemic, politics, needing to actually work, and just the world feeling like a dumpster fire in general, has left my heart feeling broken. I do know that I’m safe and privileged. And I want this for everyone.

If you search “body’ on in your browser of choice, what comes up is thoroughly disturbing.

I’ve hated my own body for as long as I can remember, on the one hand. On the other hand, I look back at pictures of myself from 20 and 30 years ago and I wonder what why I felt the way I did because it was never nearly as bad as I thought. But society continues to tell us if you don’t look like a model, you aren’t worthy.

And then when I think about what my body has carried me through over 53 years and it makes me feel strong.
– lifelong illness starting from four years old
– physical abuse at the hands of someone who should have protected me
– appendix removed, two knee surgeries, two abortions
– being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis
– menopause

Alternatively
– standing up for injustice
– hugging people I love
– skiing, hiking, riding bikes, yoga, pilates, skating
– starting my own business
– traveling the world
– concerts
– exploring a glacier
– living overseas 4,000 miles away from home
– lost track how many times I’ve moved (some good, some not)
– taking care of family, friends, and strangers
– giving back to the communities I live in

Strong

Strong

Strong (adjective)
having the power to move heavy weights or perform other physically demanding tasks
possessing skills and qualities that create a likelihood of success

When I looked up the definition for strong, there were at least seven different variations. When people think of strong they most often think of how much or how little you can lift or “what doesn’t kill you, makes you strong” (I should look like the Incredible Hulk by now – the Mark Ruffalo version). Or “I could never be as strong as you are dealing with MS.” Or “strong is what you are when you don’t have any other choice.” While people think those are compliments, I’m no stronger than anyone else who deals with a chronic (sometimes acute) disease.

For the last week, I was up and down with my, this time of year ick. And for sure I didn’t feel strong. I was full on, 100% pity party, having to remind myself regularly that this is way better than having to deal with a flare-up for three months. BUT when you’re in the throes of non-stop coughing, can’t sleep, can’t get comfortable, can’t get yourself out, can’t clean your apartment, and can’t attend events, and being a day away from dreadlocks because you can’t shower, finding the “can” is not easy.

And while (fingers & toes crossed), I’m not having a flare-up, my immune system working overtime to fight this ick, lends itself to inflammation, which for me is constant tingling. And having to take nighttime cold meds to squash the coughing, means that I’m foggy for most of the next day, and it gives me really weird, fucking dreams, bordering on nightmares. Those with MS know that it takes us longer to recover even from the average cold. While I’m not thoroughly fatigued, I’m still super wiped out, and the nighttime cold medicine doesn’t help the cause.

This last week I also had to forgo my regular exercise routine, which is the first time in many months, and while most say don’t beat yourself up, it’s ok to be kind to yourself when you’re sick, for me even taking a week off can be detrimental to my physical and mental well-being. But tomorrow, bright and early, I will don the work out clothes and drag myself to pilates, which I truly love.

Strong can mean many things, and we each have our own version(s) of strength. You don’t have to lift heavy weights to be strong. But know that whatever your version is, you are indeed strong, powerful, and capable.

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PS – If you don’t know Ady Barkan, please follow him. He is literally using his last breath to fight for what should be a right, rather than a privilege. To me he is both strong & a hero.

Anniversary

1 Year

Anniversary (noun)
the annual recurrence of a date marking a notable event

April 15 is an anniversary and birthday. It’s been nine years since my multiple sclerosis diagnosis, and a year since this blog was launched.

Nine years since diagnosis and that means almost TEN years since symptom onset. Some days seems like it was a lifetime ago and others, just yesterday.

I was talking to someone a few days ago and I realized it’s hard to even remember a time before MS, before the tingling, before the numbness, before the fear. BUT because there are so many more good days now, those too often fade into a blurry haze of the past.

Last year someone said to me “you just don’t have time for a flare-up this year” and I proceeded to walk around with that in my head EVERY day. And I didn’t have a flare-up. Now I’m not a big woo person, but I guess sometimes the power of suggestion is very powerful. What also REALLY helped was our cold, long winter. It made me EXTREMELY happy and healthy. Ideally I would love to never have spring and summer and live somewhere that it’s cold or cool all year round. And then I remember I’m 110% a NY girl.

I want to thank family, friends, and strangers who support me and have embraced this blog. I love seeing where the readers come from, near and far. I hope that one day in my lifetime this blog won’t be needed, but until it is, thank you, thank you, thank you for looking.

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Different

different51

Different (adjective)
not the same as another or each other; unlike in nature, form, or quality

Some say it’s not good to look back, but then how do we learn from our past?

For the last three weeks, I’ve been walking around scratching my head wondering what I did differently last year that didn’t result in having a flare-up. Why you ask? Be thrilled that it didn’t happen you say? BUT I want to know why, so I can continue doing what I did last year to avoid one this year, and hopefully in the years to come.

I also know that it’s likely impossible to come up with anything more than anecdotal. Some things I did differently last year:

  • I started a business and am working with people I absolutely 110% respect and learn from all the time, which leads to my better well-being even during stressful times of deliverables. And I look forward to working and helping the team to be successful.
  • I avoid public transportation during commuting hours. While it’s increased expenses, I believe it’s kept me healthy and less stressed, especially since this is the worst flu season since 2009. Or it could just be that my immune system works so well it can fight H3N2 more effectively than the average person.
  • I do quite a bit of walking, but haven’t been in a gym in months due to bullet 1 above. Yes, I know, not the best, and I’m slowly working it back in, but it’s definitely different.
  • I addressed the mental health side of living with multiple sclerosis in late 2016. In my head I knew that it comes with the disease, meds to treat it, and just really living with a chronic illness. I didn’t necessarily underestimate it, but most of the time it was due to having a flare-up and the meds to treat it. Treating your brain health is no different from any other part of your body.

While I will likely never know what I did differently, if anything, I’m just so glad that I didn’t. Which isn’t to say I don’t have symptoms most days, but it’s way different from having an acute multiple sclerosis relapse, which leaves you in pain, exhausted, and wondering if you will ever recover.

Today whatever that “different” is, it’s working. Today I feel good, happy, and productive.

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Sick

Sick

Sick (adjective)
affected by physical or mental illness

Tis the season. In the beginning, back in 2009, after my diagnosis and starting treatment, I got sick. Like normal, regular, sick. It caught me off guard because, well duh, now that I had multiple sclerosis, clearly I was immune to the likes of viruses?! Yeah, no.

Each sniffle, cough, headache, turned into a phone call to my neurologist. He assured me that yes, I can still get run of the mill sick and that it was really just a matter of re-learning my body, and that no I definitely was not going to die from having a cold.

What it did do was make me more in tune with the rhythm of my body as I hadn’t been prior. I paid more attention to the sniffles, headaches, and coughs, whereas in the past I would have just moved on or not even notice. Now I had two autoimmune diseases to manage, while being completely insulted that I could still get run-of-the-mill ill.

Fast-forward eight plus years since my diagnosis, I’ve noticed that I actually get “normal sick” less than before. Said neurologist told me that “they” think there is some protective factor from the medicine I take for the multiple sclerosis, though it’s anecdotal.

Lately I’ve been traveling like a road warrior, which I didn’t think would ever happen again. I didn’t think my body could hold up to this type of work, travel, intensity. And while it’s not perfect, and I’m definitely older than I was when I used to do it, I’m more than holding my own with my business and travel. Sure I have gastroenteritis with a cold as a cherry on top, and I have to watch that the asthma is managed, and desperately hope my currently overactive, fighting these bugs, immune system doesn’t cause an MS flare-up, I can still trust in myself and my body.

Lest you think otherwise, I am so proper sick. From my head to my toes, body ache, tissue mounds on the floor, ordering extra Scott from Amazon…sick. Now excuse me while I go back to the “library” to answer the song of the gastroenteritis minstrels.

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Body

body-shape

Body (noun)
the physical structure of a person or an animal, including the bones, flesh, and organs

For as long as I can remember I’ve had a like/hate relationship with my body. Growing up society norms were dictated by magazines, TV, movies, stores, and peers. And with the advent of the Internet we now have a narcissistic streaming medium in our faces 24/7. When you Google “I hate my body” you come up with 78,400,000 hits in under one minute. Seventy-eight MILLION, four hundred thousand!

In the last few years the body positive movement has taken off. I believe in feeling comfortable in your skin, but overall health is important too. The one that has resonated with me is the Body Image Movement. Taryn Brumfitt is an Australian lady who after competing as a body builder, and working out for months and months, many hours each day, said enough. She set out around the globe with a shoe-string budget to interview women of all looks. Her documentary Embrace is truly a global movement. Every woman, man, teen, child, should watch this movie, it’s that important.

It took me a while to watch the documentary, but one day while on the treadmill, I gave it a go. As the speed and incline increased, so too did the silent tears streaming down my face. As Taryn’s and countless other women’s stories unfolded, I saw some of each of them in me. Her movie is available on Netflix, Amazon, iTunes, amongst others.

When asked if they like their body, 80% of women will answer with a resounding no. And on top of that girls as young as four think they are fat and are already comparing themselves to unrealistic, unattainable, bodies.

Three years ago I started working out with my trainer, now sorta, kinda older brother I never really wanted. When we met I told him if he was going to tell me I couldn’t have chocolate anymore, he could turn around and walk out because I would NEVER be that person. In the nine months that followed I lost 18lbs.

My goal was to build strength and a side effect of that was weight loss. I felt great and looked good. I didn’t really change my diet as much as my sugar cravings went away to be replaced by healthier options. And then I had a bad flare-up resulting in IV steroids and other meds for side effect management. It took a good six months to feel better, and although I exercised on and off I didn’t truly get my groove back until much later. It gets more and more difficult to emotionally bounce back from flare-ups each time.

Fast forward to February of this year and I was on vacation and told my body, “it’s time to get going again.” I’ve been working out almost every day since. And whether it’s being a few years older or the Zoloft I started taking in December, the weight isn’t coming off the way it did a few years ago. I’m not eating anymore than before, but I think the Zoloft might have halted my metabolism, although it’s afforded me the ability to work out in the first place, amongst many other things that I have accomplished this year.

I’m not just casually strolling on the treadmill. I’m doing full on drenching sweat equity exercising between cardio and free weights. And I’m also well into boxing and I LOVE it! I LOVE boxing! Sparring with gloves and mitts is one of the best workouts I’ve ever had. It combines cardio and strength training and I get to hit things without getting hit back, yet!

While losing weight is a goal, I am learning to be kind to myself. Recognizing that my body has held up to surgeries, procedures, full out blissful dancing at concerts, skiing, car accidents, and two autoimmune diseases, and it still keeps going. That demands a modicum of respect for my body. Today I am strong, confident, and happy.

Dove body image campaign 2004
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