Anxiety

Anxiety-600X600

 

Anxiety (noun)
a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

Today started out with loads of things on my to do list in advance of leaving for a business / personal trip tomorrow morning. Anxiety had different ideas for what my day would turn into. Anxiety doesn’t give you a reason, it doesn’t make sense, and it’s super inconvenient. Kind of like a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving that everyone just wants to send home, but you can’t quite bring yourself to say see ya later, bye.

It’s probably been years since I’ve had this type of feeling. It wasn’t that kind of anxiety you feel before a talk, performance, seeing someone you haven’t seen in a long time. It’s the type of dread, and argument your gut is having with your brain, that makes you think, do I need I need to call / text someone, or is this an emergency room visit.

Anxiety forced me to alter my day to give into it, which made me feel even worse. I want to give anxiety middle finger and move on from it, but things don’t work that way. I did all of the usual recommended things like rest, listen to a meditation podcast, go for a walk. Barring an anti-anxiety med, which has helped many people I know, I remembered CBD oil (cannabidiol) can help! Et voila, that I can do.

Over the last two hours I’m feeling a little bit better as a result. Anxiety is still sitting on my shoulder, but it doesn’t feel like my brain and gut are fighting with one another anymore. And I can get on with that to do list.

What do you do to fend off anxiety?

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Happy

Happy

Happy (adjective)
feeling or showing pleasure or contentment

These days I am finding myself happy (and healthy) and sometimes it’s hard to say that out loud for fear the other shoe will drop.

In December 2016 I started taking sertraline for depression. It was the first time I had a really bad, spiraling night, that wasn’t related to the multiple sclerosis (but maybe it is because it’s a central nervous system disease), or being treated for a flare-up. I recognized that I needed help. I reached out to a long distance friend who helped me for as long as I needed it. I went to bed and the next day I went to see my neurologist. And when it came to treating this issue, I couldn’t care less about any stigma that society has about brain health. I didn’t think twice about treating the multiple sclerosis or taking medicine for asthma growing up. My only issue was worrying about side effects. And although I didn’t turn purple, boy did I spend weeks insanely nauseous while titrating up to the full dose.

Fast forward 1.5 years later, and about a month ago I realized the sertraline (and probably age) is likely slowing down my metabolism, which already works backwards, so I decided to split the dose in half. I did this on my own without consulting my neurologist, because I know my body. I also now know how I should feel most of the time (say 80/20 rule). And I can recognize the shit for what it is, and frankly most of the time I just don’t care about stupid stuff anymore. I think the 20%, as Gaga would say, Baby I was Born This Way. And you know what? I’m good with that.

So a bit of a long about route to say most days I wake up happy. I enjoy what I do professionally (and the people I work with) and am having wonderful life experiences (on my own and with loved ones). I feel better than I have since before I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis nine years ago. I’ve been so leery about saying the latter out loud, especially with my once every 18 to 24 month MRIs coming up next month. Feeling physically and mentally great also allows me to be the best I can be for the people I love and care for as well.

I spend way less time these days wondering when the shoes are going to come tumbling and I happily give the middle finger to the shit that just doesn’t matter.

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Travel

Travel

Travel (verb)
make a journey, typically of some length or abroad

Lately I’ve been traveling (by air) extensively again, both in the U.S. and abroad, for fun and business. I thought these days were behind me. Being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis I didn’t think I could handle the hours needed to do it. Not only do I do it, but I excel at it once again. I think the exhaustion is more about being older, than having MS.

That said, some tips and tricks how I make air travel easier for me.
1) I slowly pack the day before. This has been true since well before the MS. If I pack too far out, I take too much.
2) I take a car service instead of public transportation. This helps to preserve my energy to deal with the airports and flying, which are both exhausting.
3) I arrive early for domestic & international flights to allow for loads of time to get through security. I have both TSA pre-check & global entry. If you need help, ask for it. If you need a wheelchair, ask for it. There is no shame in preserving your energy.
4) If the lines are long I ask to go to the front for medical reasons. Each airport and security line has their own ideas of what sympathy looks like. I find TSA to be short on it for sure.
5) I ask to pre-board due to medical reasons. While I don’t need help walking, not having to board in a crowd cuts down on anxiety, which also reduces stress levels. Anything I can do to tell keep calm, makes a huge difference to getting to where I need to go and being able to function at 100% when I do.
6) If I’m going to be away for more than a night or two, I take one of my own pillows. Sleeping in a hotel, however nice, is precarious as best. Weird noises, varying mattresses, errant digital lights. Anything I do to help sleep better, keeps the MS symptoms at bay. Plus as a Taurus, I much prefer creature comforts. And if it doesn’t impact anyone else, why not!

It took me a long time to be able to ask for concessions, because karma is the great equalizer. I know many people living with this disease who are much worse off, and I thought that I needed to “do it like everyone else,” but then I realized, it’s just like using air conditioning in December if I need it. The more I stand in long lines, the more tired my legs become, which impacts the rest of my trip.

So in the end, I did what I tell others to do. Be kind to yourself and ask for help. It doesn’t make you weak, it makes you strong.

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