Tag: sad

Body

Body (noun)
the main part of a plant or animal body especially as distinguished from limbs and head

I haven’t written since November 2021, mainly because I just haven’t felt creative. Between the pandemic, politics, needing to actually work, and just the world feeling like a dumpster fire in general, has left my heart feeling broken. I do know that I’m safe and privileged. And I want this for everyone.

If you search “body’ on in your browser of choice, what comes up is thoroughly disturbing.

I’ve hated my own body for as long as I can remember, on the one hand. On the other hand, I look back at pictures of myself from 20 and 30 years ago and I wonder what why I felt the way I did because it was never nearly as bad as I thought. But society continues to tell us if you don’t look like a model, you aren’t worthy.

And then when I think about what my body has carried me through over 53 years and it makes me feel strong.
– lifelong illness starting from four years old
– physical abuse at the hands of someone who should have protected me
– appendix removed, two knee surgeries, two abortions
– being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis
– menopause

Alternatively
– standing up for injustice
– hugging people I love
– skiing, hiking, riding bikes, yoga, pilates, skating
– starting my own business
– traveling the world
– concerts
– exploring a glacier
– living overseas 4,000 miles away from home
– lost track how many times I’ve moved (some good, some not)
– taking care of family, friends, and strangers
– giving back to the communities I live in

Brain

Brain (noun)
an organ of soft nervous tissue contained in the skull of vertebrates, functioning as the coordinating center of sensation and intellectual and nervous activity.

The brain is the epicenter of the body. Most people think it’s the heart, but without the brain, the body can’t work. The brain is the captain of the central nervous system, also include the spinal cord. The brain plays a role in the control of most bodily functions, including awareness, movements, sensations, thoughts, speech, and memory. Some reflex movements can occur via spinal cord pathways without the participation of brain structures.

For those who aren’t aware, multiple sclerosis is a disease of the central nervous system. Nerves run throughout your body from the tip of your head to the ends of your toes, and everywhere in between. Picture a coaxial cable, or even a garden hose. With MS the body’s immune system thinks the outer coating of the cable is a foreign body and works to poke holes in the coating. And once that happens, nerve signals aren’t able to travel normally to all points throughout the body.

Now as much as I don’t like to think about it this way, I am in fact living with a neurological disease.

I recently told a few people that didn’t know prior, and their response, “I never would have known it.” And this is how I know the stigma still exists about what MS is, and isn’t. Despite the fact that owing to the advances in diagnosis and treatment, approximately 30% of people with MS progress, the general public still thinks of wheelchairs when someone says multiple sclerosis. That said, being in a wheelchair doesn’t make you incapable of living a full, productive life. So the stigma still exists, which leads to chronic under-and-unemployment of people with disabilities, of which MS is actually one.

All of that said, I have a neurological disease. While I’ve been told, “but you look so good,” more times than I remember in 11 years, and feel like I’m intact cognitively, the plain truth is that the disease can impact me at any moment in a myriad of ways. My brain can play tricks on my mind, I can be anxious, fatigued, in pain, intense tingling (known as paresthesia), depressed, grouchy, moody, sad, angry, cognitively “off” and a myriad of other emotions and feelings. And that’s not even the day or two after I do my weekly injection, which impacts my brain in ways that I have to remind myself, “this is just the medicine playing games with your mind.”

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